5 years later…

I’m back.

Not proud, but I keep coming back. even though unsuccessful I haven’t given up. I am at a place where I know I need help. I have been to treatment once for 1 month. this gave me 6 months of sobriety. after a OWI, number 2, gave me another 6 months sobriety. When I started to drink again I never told anyone. I’ve been drinking daily again for a year give or take a day off here and there. At the end of December I actually had 9 days in and was so proud. I was going to start a Restore Dry January class so I drank again figuring I would quit on January 1. well, January 25 I finally have my day 1….again.

I will be reaching out to friends and my sponsor for help. I have to burn the ships, come clean and be honest. No more lying, it is what is keeping me sick. It’s keeping me isolated. I feel like a fraud. Been playing a part and playing it pretty good. No more.

This is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I love my vodka! Straight out of the bottle or add a little water. Perfect. My way of controlling my drinking is to only buy 1/2 pint or a pint at a time. If I buy a bigger bottle I drink it all and then I’m very sick. Stick to no more than a pint. you figure a pint is 16 ounces. That’s 16 drinks a day of ethanol. I can’t fathom having 16 glasses of wine. I didn’t even really get drunk. Had built up a good tolerance.

Why do I drink? I’m told quitting drinking is only a start and now you have to deal with the things that drove me to drink. Boredom, no love in my life, no money, resentments. Even my attempts to deal with these issues did not bring relief. It seems that a majority of my life no matter what I do or have is never enough. I’m never satisfied. Never grateful.

Since my last post I have survived two rounds with cancer. The first was breast cancer. It was found early, 3 weeks of radiation, done. At my 5 year mark I found I had throat cancer. 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. Sickness. Still not 100% if it is gone, I have another PET scan in a week. The fact that I am alive is a miracle in itself. I have to quit drinking or for sure it will kill me. Alcohol is a class 1 carcinogen and i’ve had cancer twice. One would think that would be enough in itself to ditch the booze. But no. Until today. Today I choose life. I must keep writing about this journey. Stay Tuned. I want a successful sobriety journey. I have drank for 50 years. My prayer for today is to salvage how much time I have left on this planet. Please.

Sober mercies, the beginning, 2/26/20

Well, I can’t say this is really the actual beginning because I have been at this for close to 2 years. Maybe it’s the beginning of being real, being honest. I can’t say I haven’t been completely honest with myself but more with other people. Going out with a few people for drinks, not being honest of my problem. Maybe telling a few but not letting them know exactly how bad things have gotten or the struggles I have endured. Telling people I’m doing great when it’s many times been pretty horrible. Telling them I’m sober when I’m not. This has been especially true in my AA groups. In the two years I have been going to meetings I really never have stayed sober more than maybe 4 days at a time. There is one period I went a week and once 10 days. I swear that by the end of those 10 days I felt almost ready to explode! They say when your drinking you are numbing your feelings, yes, I know this is true. So when I stop, I have all these feelings I don’t understand or know what to do with and after a few days the tension builds and all I can think about is numbing them out again. So, honest with others I am not, honest with myself, I know. I can’t lie to myself. I realize the addiction in me is talking to me justifying that next drink or promising myself after this one it will be different when deep down I know it won’t be. Telling myself how spiritually minded I am but knowing it’s literally in my mind, it doesn’t show its self in my actions. Prayer? I can manage to say a few sentences but usually my mind races so fast I can’t slow the thought down to even realize what my feelings are and totally loose the patience with prayer. I can’t even remember things for 2 minutes and it’s truly becoming worrisome for me.

I have gone to AA meetings, Smart Recovery, listened to hundreds of podcasts and utube videos and read many books. My brain is full. It’s hasn’t helped. Well, can’t say it hasn’t helped. I am definitely more informed and and know what I have to do. It’s just…….can I do it? Can I wholeheartedly relinquish my power over alcohol and turn my life over to my higher power? I have been the most independent person my entire life. I have had to fight for about everything I have. It’s never been easy for me. Yet, in spite of my all consuming struggles, there are times when I reach my destination and wonder why the fuck am I hear? What was I thinking? It was me driving the cart, swimming up street to get to a place I knew nothing about with the idealistic images in my mind that this was what was going to make me happy. Imagine that. How about now if I do not make life so fricking difficult and let what is supposed to come to me come in it’s own sweet way and time. Such as it did when I moved up here. I attempted to for years, I tried to make it happen but I did listen to my heart and knew when things didn’t feel right. All of a sudden one day it all opened up for me. The opportunity dropped right in my lap. It was not a difficult choice to make, just keep one foot in front of the other and move! If I can look at my sobriety and spiritual life in this way I will be so much better off than the exhausting, groolling chore of swimming up stream. Of this, too, I have to give myself credit. For how hard I have worked and how far I had come even if it turned out to be not quite what I wanted.

So, here is my accountability pages. I would like to share what this journey of being real, honest and I pray sober is like for me. I will keep up on my AA meetings, listening to podcast and reading good literature but will use what’s in my head to manifest in my life. No more re setting the sobriety counter again! I’m tired of day 1’s. I don’t want my parents to worry about me. I want others to be proud of me…I want to be proud of me! Dr. Sue Morter who wrote the book “ The Energy Codes” says when we are born we splat. Our body, mind and breath get scattered and our job in this physical life is to become whole. To find out who we truly are. To come back to ourselves. I want this. I will have this. I can’t say my life has been a dramatic hell hole. I have functioned fairly well in spite of how sick I have felt at times. It’s more the emotional hell. The mind games, the self loathing, the confusion, the hopelessness , the anxiety, the depression, and just plain sometimes wondering if it’s al, worth it and it would be easier to check off this planet. But, I can’t do that. I watched my sister kill herself with alcohol. She was in horrible denial. I am hoping that is one thing I have that she did not is honesty with myself even when I fail to be honest with others. At least in AA those people get me. Many have come from far worse places than me and are living happy fulfilling life. I want what they have. Please, pray for me and wish me luck!

There will be so much more to come, I can feel it. Until tomorrow. Peace.